Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
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woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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