I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
