Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
