i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
