i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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