I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't turn off my feet"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
