I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
