my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have tasted many bathrooms
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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