3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
