I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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