People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
