he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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