I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
