Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
