I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
