I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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