I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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