If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
