Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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