You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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