i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
