If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
