last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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