i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
