your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize