It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
