You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
