I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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