Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry my hands just texted you
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
