Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
