I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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