I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
