Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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