Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
