As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
