she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
