I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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