drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
