he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
