Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
