Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
