DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
