The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
