She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
