so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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