god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
