tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
