The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
