he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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