I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand