as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
