I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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