just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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