Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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